I was overwhelmed by past recollections of my free and youthful self. When I was younger (as I’m sure you have found too) adults often told me to make the most of my youth whilst I didn’t have a care in the world. It isn’t till you are older and you care about all manner of things that you can understand what those tortured, weary adults truly meant.
Not having a single care in the world.
When I was a child. Oh how I remember! Waking up to a day that seamlessly flows from the previous one in a perpetual cycle of ease, affection, adoration, imagination. No concerns cloud the balmy mind where eternal summer reigns. It is a matter of living in the moment. That is the stark difference between child, adult and elder. The passage and understanding of time.
I shall explain.
The child, as I have said, lives in a continual cycle of pleasure and love. Pleasure is found in only desiring the bare necessities of nourishment and sleep. When these are given in abundance, the child can follow her unconscious longings which often take her onto a pilgrimage into the deep realms of fancy.
Oh, how I crave to return to that imaginary space. How I used to stop and look at a piece of moss clasping for life through the cracks of the pavement. To me, in that time, it was like a microcosmic planet. I could picture airy sprites wandering on that little land. Reproducing, creating, living. The mind of a child is one that is not narrowed by the structures of her exterior. Brazenly, she discovers the world through discovery. Like a bold adventurer, she tries to make sense of her world. In no time at all, however, the family and society will destroy those visions of fairies and magic, wonder and dragons, through what Karl Marx deemed the superstructure. The superstructure are the ideologies that hold our society and the way it is chained into place. Super, of course, being etymologically derived from the Latin super meaning ‘on top of, above.’ The structure above.
We are, as growing children on the slabs of concrete and street lights, forcefully interpellated into a system which we have no agency over. The ideology that is enforced upon as is as inevitably imprisoning as the melting ice caps in the arctic. Pre-made doom.
You see, we have no choice then to become what we are. We talk so much of the subjective self, the individual, the ‘I am’, ergo sum. But does anyone stop to think. The only reason I can say I am is because someone before me told me to say I am. The language, the grammar, it allowed me to tell you that I am.
I didn’t have a choice.
If I did I’d say ga-ga-li-lo-la.
But I was already told to be before I was.
Once, before we were dragged seamlessly into that system of life, we lived in a myriad of day-dreams and carelessness. Growing in the world meant being automatically pulled into social structures.
We were no longer ga-ga-li-lo-la but I am.
Our skeletons extended, our brains enlarged, crammed by the super structures of the world we fell into. We become aware of the nuclear family, that being the sociological term for explaining the normal sought after family. This consists of mummy, daddy and child. Without this norm, whether through divorce, same-sex couples, adoption, no children, we are not adhering to the basic template of society – so they claim.
We become aware of sexualities, finances, successes, failures, body image, houses, animal cruelty, criminality, poverty, rape, injustices, global warming, terrorism, wars, political unrest, capitalism, communism, nepotism, the Third World, the First World, other worlds, mental disorders, disabilities, loneliness, Aetherius, Bahaullah, Jesus, Allah, God, Buddha, Mohammed, Krishna, concentration camps, racism, anti-Semitism, sexism, atomic bombs, trident, torture, fame, self-harming, bullying, the internet, alcoholism, drug abuse, pollution, anorexia, obesity, bulimia, bi-polar disorders, schizophrenia, hallucinations, anxiety, hatred, pointlessness, recycling, arguments with friends, arguments with family, trying to find a partner, wanting to have babies, adoption, infertility, polycystic ovaries, cancer, HIV, post-natal depression, abortions, AID’s, alopecia, brain tumours, chlamydia, imperialism, feminism, sexually transmitted diseases, domestic abuse, murder, serial killers, prison, drink driving, airplanes, fires, deforestation, corruption, infidelity, pneumonia, technology, fracking, paedophilia, the apartheid, depression, unreciprocated love, unachieved goals, alienation, embarrassments, gossiping, bitching, divorcing, commuting, mourning, lamenting, psychosis, unnerving dreams, paralysis, power, control, pain, gambling, spending, redundancy, homelessness, jealousy, the dwindling hours, the closing months, of life itself, death.
Oh, how I crave to return to that imaginary space, where all I hoped was the sprites on that moss would enlarge and meet me in reality. To play with me in a kaleidoscopic world of enchantment and sparkle.